ETNW 2016 – The rules

Welcome once again to the Eurovision That Never Was 2016! Submissions aren’t open yet, but be sure to read all this before you send me your entry.

If you’re still unsure what ETNW is all about, think about it like this: is there a song which, the first time you heard it, sounded to you like exactly the sort of thing Belarus would have gone for in the late ’80s/Iceland would have entered if they’d been taking part in 1962/Morocco would have sent to Vienna last year if they were still taking part? If so, now’s your chance to see how many of your fellow MBers agree!

This edition of ETNW will have much the same set-up as the last one. If you still have any questions, ask– either email me at the contest address or post something on the MB (which is probably the best option, since more people are likely to see it).

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1. NEW! Songs from any country and any year can be entered for any country for the year before, of or after its release. (See below.) 

2. Songs can be in any language and any length.

3. No songs that have taken part in Eurovision or a national selection process are allowed.

4. No cover versions are allowed.

5. Singers may have taken part in a national selection process but not taken part in Eurovision itself.

6. Sponsors must be current MB regulars or former ETNW entrants.

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And now the explanations…

Above all, the idea of ETNW is to submit something that makes voters go: "Wow, that sounds 100% like something Portugal would have entered in 2000!" or "Czechoslovakia choosing something like that in 1958? I can see that happening." The more plausible your combination – e.g. a Russian song in English written by Swedes being entered as Russia 2010; as opposed to e.g. a song in Albanian from Kosovo being submitted for Ireland – the more likely it is to be viewed as authentic.

The same can be said of the length and language of your song: feel free to ignore Eurovision’s three-minute and language rules, but bear in mind that some voters may use these as criteria to mark your entry down, all other things being equal. Also consider that Big Names tend to be frowned upon in ETNW as much as any other MB contest – by all means submit Madonna singing for the UK in 2012 if you really want to, but don’t be surprised if you come last ;)

The one main change to the rules this year is about the song’s year of release and, therefore, which year you can submit it for. As much as ETNW is about a hypothetical past Eurovision that never took place, the entries submitted should still be as eligible as possible – the theoretical possibility that they could have been entries must be retained. In that sense, the contest is perhaps more the Eurovision That Never Was But Still Could Have Been… but that makes for a terribly unwieldy acronym, so we’ll stick to ETNW ;)

In any case, I’ve decided to add a little wiggle room, so your entries can be submitted for one year either side of the song’s actual year of release. For example, if a song was released in 1978, it can be entered as 1977, 1978 or 1979. Most ESC songs are (presumably) written the year before the contest they take part in; and there’s always the possibility of something being held over specifically for the contest. It’s unlikely though that a song would be stashed away for 10 years, and impossible for something written in 1995 to have appeared in ESC three decades previously after all –even if it sounds like something from that era!

Then there’s the big unwritten rule of ETNW: when you vote, it’s not supposed to be about what you like as much as what you think is most authentic. True, that’s largely subjective, and some people have struggled with it a bit in previous contests, but the 2015 results again showed that most voters are willing and able to embrace this approach.

If you’re still scratching your head a bit, here’s a sort of ‘How to Vote’ flow chart whatsit to help guide you. (You should rank according to taste at each level in the chart.)

Hopefully you’ll find 10 entries you think are authentic, in which case you can rank them as you would in any other MB contest – according to how much you like them. However, if you don’t, you should be guided by the flow chart. Voters in the past have had trouble with the middle bit – rewarding good matches they don’t particularly enjoy over poor matches they do – but that is the point of ETNW. You can do your own thing if you want, but that’s not really in the spirit of the contest.

The other thing about ETNW is that while it’s about finding songs that feel like they could have been Eurovision entries, as a contest – like all of the music contests hosted on the MB – it generally encourages ‘new’ music. So although you can enter national final singers, I recommend looking for stuff that’s unconnected to the contest but fits, as opposed to someone connected to the contest who never quite made it.

Importantly, don’t forget that your entry is not meant to replace the song from the year and country to which you allocate it. Don’t just look for something that sounds exactly the same as an existing ESC entry and then submit it for that country in that year. If you’ve found another Latvian song that sounds just like Love Injected, think twice about submitting it as Latvia 2015. You might end up doing better with the other Latvian song you’ve found that sounds more like their poppier entries and which you submit as Latvia 2012. The point is, ETNW isn’t meant to be about copying actual entries.

And just to spell out point #5 of the rules, I draw the line at Eurovision performers as credited on screen (or if they form part of a duo/group/other as credited). I’d prefer your singer never to have appeared on an ESC stage, but if he/she was Unnamed Backing Vocalist #2 for Switzerland in Belgrade in 2008 or whatever and that’s the only line on their Eurovision CV (not counting their 158 national final attempts), I won't waggle a finger at you. The voters might, but that’s not up to me ;)

Submissions are yet to open, but you’ll need to send me the following in due course:

1. An MP3 of your entry (as high-quality as possible)

2. The name of your song and singer

3. The year and country you’re allocating it to

4. Your MB nickname

5. A bio for your entry (following a template I'll post separately)

The bios will be published alongside the entries. They give you the chance to provide background details on your song and to explain why you think it's a good fit. (See the subsequent post for more details.)

One last request/recommendation: do avoid submitting entries for the same countries all the time. It makes it very easy to guess the sponsors :P

That's it until submissions open. Start searching for songs. And decent MP3s!